We Know Our Onions
| "We Know Our Onions" | |
|---|---|
| Dad's Army episode | |
| Episode no. |
Series Six Episode 057 |
| Directed by | David Croft |
| Story by | Jimmy Perry and David Croft |
| Produced by | David Croft |
| Original air date | 21/11/73 8.00pm (recorded 15/06/73) |
| Running time | 30 minutes |
"We Know Our Onions" is the fourth episode of the sixth series of the British comedy series Dad's Army that was originally transmitted on 21 November 1973.
The platoon take part in a Home Guard efficiency test. If the men pass with flying colours, they will be graded a 12-star platoon. Travelling with their Smith Gun in the back of Jones' van, they notice a huge mass of onions - Walker's order for Hodges - and decide to use them as a novel form of ammunition.
The platoon are examining their new Smith Gun, which they have to take on a Home Guard efficiency test for the weekend. Wilson is told off by Mainwaring when he complains 'do we have to drag that gun about, what an awful fag'. Godfrey and his sisters have made an inappropriate cover for the gun out of a flowery old sofa cover.
They are going to the test in Jones' van, but Walker has been using it to fulfil a blackmarket order for Warden Hodges, the greengrocer, and has half a ton of onions. These cause the platoon (especially Pike) some discomfort on the journey and Hodges is so incensed about the non-delivery of the onions that he follows them.
Before the start of the test, Wilson shares some information from a friend who previously took part in the test, where the test officer will fire a lot of questions at the platoon and then leave the room, whereby someone else comes in disguised and plants a bomb. Jones shows them his rumāl, a thuggee scarf used to throttle a victim from behind. Meanwhile, Hodges and the Verger appear outside one of the windows, and they constantly pester the platoon over the course of the weekend as they attempt to retrieve Hodges's onions.
The test is supervised by a Captain Ramsey, a tough, no-nonsense officer (played by Fulton Mackay) who berates the platoon for their shortcomings, particularly Pike, who is crying from the onions. Ramsey informs them that they will have to pass tests to be awarded stars, 12 being the maximum that can be earnt.
The first test requires the platoon to respond to role-playing scenarios. However, it does not go well for them as Wilson is so indifferent to the role-playing that it loses all effect, Jones attempts to throttle Ramsey when his back is turned (because he had told Jones he was going to be a Gestapo officer) and Wilson ruins Mainwaring's test by pointing out that Mainwaring wouldn't have to push anyone out of a declining hot-air balloon as he could wait for it to land on the ground for the excess passenger to step out.
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