"(He'll Never Be An) Ol' Man River" was the first single to be released off Machiavelli and the Four Seasons (1995) by Australian alternative rock band TISM. It is often referred to as "I'm On the Drug That Killed River Phoenix".

It reached #9 in Triple J's 1995 Hottest 100, one number ahead of Greg! The Stop Sign!!. It is also the only TISM song to reach the singles chart in Australia, peaking at number 23.

On 27 April 1995, the band appeared on the RMITV show Under Melbourne Tonight and performed the song

In 2002, the band performed the song on John Safran's Music Jamboree with traditional Greek instruments and slightly different lyrics.

The song opens with the refrain I'm on the drug that killed River Phoenix and, as the song continues, talking about a wide variety of celebrities who died due to some sort of excess. As the song progresses, it becomes clear that the addiction is not about actually doing these things himself; rather, his addiction is vicariously following celebrities and their excesses and premature deaths. As with a number of TISM songs, it is a comment on the fairly vapid state of popular culture.

Example verse:

I drank the slab that Bon Scott drunk;
Injected some of Hendrix' junk;
I booked a seat on Lynyrd Skynyrd's plane;
Mama Cass's sandwich? I ate the same!

And ending in ...

Now I'm bored and there's no stoppin'
I need another celeb to fill a coffin
Where'll I get my next drug action?
Odds on it'll be Michael Jackson

...
Wikipedia