The Millionairess (play)

The Millionairess
Written by	George Bernard Shaw
Date premiered	4 January, 1936
Place premiered	Burgtheater, Vienna
Original language	English
Genre	Comedy

The Millionairess is a play written in 1936 by George Bernard Shaw. It tells the story of Epifania, a spoilt heiress, and her search for a suitor.

Shaw wrote the play in 1936 expressly for Edith Evans. Evans rejected the role, calling it "too icy". However, she did act the part in 1940, in a pre-London production tour in the provinces.

Epifania Ognisanti di Parerga, the richest woman in England (and possibly Europe), barges into the offices of solicitor Julius Sagamore wanting him to draw out a will leaving everything to her husband Alistair Fitzfassenden (an amateur tennis and boxing champion), and states that after the will is signed, she intends to kill herself. Sagamore manages to get her to calm down, and she explains her circumstances: before her father died and left her thirty million pounds, he had made her promise that if any man wanted to marry her, she was to give him one hundred fifty pounds and six months to turn it into fifty thousand; if the man failed, she was never to see him again. Alistair succeeded (by co-producing a hit play), but the marriage has since imploded to the point where Alistair is having a relationship with Patricia Smith (nicknamed "Polly Seedy-Stockings") and Epifania is spending time with Adrian Blenderbland (a self-styled intellectual and inveterate gourmand). Alistair and Polly arrive at Sagamore's office while Epifania is there wanting to discuss a possible separation between Alistair and Epifania, and Blenderbland also turns up also wanting to consult Sagamore. after a confusing consultation in which nothing gets resolved, Epifania leaves with Blenderbland to have lunch somewhere in the country and Alistair and Polly leave together (with Polly telling Sagamore that she fully intends to have Alistair for her own).

Epifania and Blenderbland are at a rather run-down riverside establishment having just finished lunch. Epifania is cheerful, but Blenderbland is totally "out of temper" because of the horrible meal he has just had to endure. His bad mood leads to harsh words between the two, and when Blenderbland makes disparaging remarks about Epifania's late father (whom she still worships), she uses her knowledge of and skill at judo to throw him not only all over the room but down the stairs. after which she collapses in hysterics. She is found in that condition by an Egyptian doctor, who, seeing that her fit has subsided, rushes to Blenderbland's aid instead of staying with her (much to her astonishment) and later returns to inform her that the landlord is taking Blenderbland to the local hospital in her car. She becomes fascinated by the doctor and insists that he become her doctor, which he refuses. Her feminine wiles also have no effect on him, since "Women are neither interesting nor attractive to me except when they are ill. I know too much about them, inside and out," and he is completely dedicated to his work; however, as a case she does interest him. As they talk, Epifania becomes extremely interested in the doctor and tells him point-blank that she wants to marry him, She starts to tell him about her father's test, but he interrupts her to inform her that his late mother had made him promise to impose a similar test on any woman who wanted to marry him: he is supposed to give the woman two hundred piastres (approximately thirty shillings or one and a half pounds) and she is to make her living for six months with only that money and the clothes she is currently wearing. Epifania accepts the challenge (even though he has to borrow the two hundred piastres from her) and arranges for him to get the one hundred fifty pounds. She departs, leaving the doctor to wonder if she's not one of Allah's jokes on humanity (and on himself in particular).

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