Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
First edition
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| Author | John Gray |
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| Country | United States |
| Language | English |
| Genre | non-fiction, relationships, psychology, self-help |
| Publisher | HarperCollins |
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Publication date
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January 1, 1992 |
| Media type | Hardcover |
| Pages | 286 |
| ISBN | |
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) is a book written by American author and relationship counselor John Gray. The book has sold more than 50 million copies and, according to CNN, it was the "highest ranked work of non-fiction" of the 1990s, spending 121 weeks on the bestseller list. The book and its central metaphor have become a part of popular culture and the foundation for the author's subsequent books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, one-man Broadway show, TV sitcom, workout videos, a podcast, men's and ladies' apparel lines, fragrances, travel guides and his-and-hers salad dressings.
The book states that most common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, which the author exemplifies by means of its eponymous metaphor: that men and women are from distinct planets—men from Mars and women from Venus—and that each sex is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other. One example is men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them. The book asserts each sex can be understood in terms of distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.
Gray writes how men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in relationships. If the balance shifts, one person feeling they have given more than they have received, resentment can develop. This is a time when only communication can help to bring the relationship back into balance.
Gray further asserts men and women view giving and receiving love differently, how individual actions intended as loving expressions are "tallied up." According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find their partners "keep score" at all, or that their scoring methods differ widely.
He says women use a points system which few men are aware of. Each individual act of love gets one point, regardless of magnitude. Men, on the other hand, assign small acts, small expenditures, fewer points. Larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points, etc.) go to what they consider bigger expenditures. To a woman, the emotional stroke delivered by sincere attention is inseparable from the act. The different perception of expenditure can lead to conflict when the man thinks his work has earned him, say, 20 points and deserves corresponding recognition, while the woman has assigned him only 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. The man tends to think he can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do much else, assuming he has "banked" points and can afford to "coast." The woman should be satisfied with his performance, give him kudos. Instead, the woman would rather have many little things done for her on a regular basis, because women like to think their men are thinking of them and care for them more constantly. Gray clarifies how these two perceptions of "strokes" cause conflict. He encourages talking about these issues openly.
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