List of Monkey Dust characters

The following is a list of all major recurring characters in the BBC animated television series Monkey Dust.

A series of sketches featuring a morally dubious consultancy company begin several episodes. Initially a satire on the Royal Mail renaming itself Consignia, the company charges large amounts of money on ridiculous rebranding exercises, e. g. renaming cancer as "Closure" and advertising it as an attractive end-of-life option or rebranding the Fire Service as 'Icarus' to combat their reputation as an "essentially reactive organisation" by going into the frothy coffee business.

The man who invents their new brand names is an international adventurer who looks like Lord Byron. The company's offices are in the shape of their logo, just like the former NatWest Tower (Tower 42).

In each episode, Clive walks slowly through the city back home, which is located in a tower block of high-rise flats. He arrives home (sometimes months or even years) late and when questioned by his wife as to his whereabouts, his excuses swiftly collapse into the plots of well-known fiction. Examples include The Lord of the Rings, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dune, 24, a specified episode of The A-Team, the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty, the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles, and even The Holy Bible...which his wife stops him on because she knows he will recite the whole Bible to her. When his long-suffering wife coolly points out his obvious plagiarism, Clive is forced to reveal his actual whereabouts. This usually involves something sexually degrading, such as bestiality or S&M, and, on one memorable occasion prior to being humiliated, his desperate catch-phrase is: "... and that, darling, is what really happened!" As the series progresses, his wife eventually reaches the point where she cuts him short in one episode (she is due to meet her friend Janice in five minutes), and in another she cuts him off as he is about to reveal a spoiler for the next episode of 24, which she hasn't seen yet. In one, as soon as Clive arrives, she barks out: "Excuse?" Clive: "I got lost on the common!" "Theme?" "Scott's Polar Expedition 1910-1912!" "Reality?" "I was getting tag-fucked in a pub toilet." At one point, Clive is abducted by aliens who cover him in lipstick marks and beer. When Clive says he has to get home, the aliens tell him to say exactly what happened. Unfortunately, because Clive is like The Boy Who Cried Wolf, he replies, "Actually, I haven't got that good of a track record." In the final Liar Clive skit, she has actually left him at last, and it is revealed that he is delivering his pathetic excuses to only himself in a mirror, meaning he can finally smile ironically and conclude; "I knew you would believe me!"

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