"Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)" is an innuendo-laden comedy or novelty song, written and performed by the English comedian Benny Hill. The song was first performed on television in 1970, and released as a successful recording, topping the UK Singles Chart in 1971, reaching the Christmas number one spot.

The lyric's story line is inspired by Hill's early experience as a milkman for Hann's Dairies in Eastleigh, Hampshire. Market Street, mentioned in the lyrics, is an actual road in Eastleigh. The song tells the fictional exploits of Ernie Price, a 52-year-old (68, in the original television version) milkman who drives a horse–drawn milk cart. It relates his war with the bread delivery man (two ton Ted from Teddington) and their efforts to win the heart of Sue, a widow who lives on her own at No. 22, Linley Lane.

When Ted sees Ernie's cart outside Sue's house all afternoon, he becomes enraged and violently kicks Price's horse, Trigger. The two men resort to a duel, using the wares they carry on their respective carts, and Ernie is killed by a rock cake underneath his heart, followed by a stale pork pie in his eye (a fresh meat pie in the original television version).

Sue and Ted then marry, but Ernie's ghost returns to haunt them on their wedding night.

"Ernie" was originally written in 1955 as the introduction to an unfilmed screenplay about Hill's milkman experiences.

In 1966, Frank Gallop had a US hit with "The Ballad of Irving", which had the same melody and a similar metre. "The Ballad of Irving" was itself inspired by Lorne Green's song "Ringo" from 1964, which had the same style and structure.

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