Simple Spymen

Simple Spymen is a farce by the English playwright John Chapman. The story concerns two street musicians who are mistakenly appointed by negligent army officers to act as bodyguards to protect a scientist from assassination by a foreign spy.

The first production of Simple Spymen was directed by Wallace Douglas and presented by Rix Theatrical Productions on 19 March 1958 at the Whitehall Theatre, London. It ran there until 29 July 1961, a total of 1,403 performances. It was third in the long-running series of Whitehall farces produced by the actor-manager Brian Rix; it followed Reluctant Heroes (1950) which had run for 1,610 performances and Dry Rot (1,475 performances from 1954).

Lieutenant Fosgrove ("about thirty and very 'Army', but not very bright") and Colonel Gray-Balding ("in his fifties, forgetful, rather short-tempered but quite harmless") have few official duties to occupy them, and are passing the time away with the Daily Telegraph crossword puzzle. They are interrupted by the unexpected intrusion of Forster Stand of MI5. ("I'm Forster Stand", "How very unfortunate for you – Oh, I see, yes, well won't you sit down".) Stand briefs them about an important matter of national security. A man called Grobchick has perfected a vital Atomic Pile Restorer, and Britain must keep him safe from assassination by foreign powers. Stand requires Gray-Balding to provide Grobchick with two bodyguards, who must be masters of disguise. The army officers are nonplussed at this request, but dare not refuse. Hearing two street musicians playing outside, Fosgrove has Corporal Flight bring them in. The musicians, George and Percy, are down at heel and highly unimpressive in appearance. Fosgrove passes them off to Stand as the two designated bodyguards, brilliantly disguised.

To their horror, George and Percy are told that they must undertake a dangerous mission for their country. They are too frightened by authority to refuse and are mesmerised by the large bundle of banknotes Stand gives them for expenses. They are dispatched to collect Grobchick from his ship when it arrives in Dover from Turkey. Stand decides that they must pose as French waiters at the hotel in Dover where Grobchick will be staying. ("A disguise … perhaps a thin moustache on the top lip and a pointed beard on the bottom".) George and Percy leave for Dover.

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